A survey of newlyweds by Experian found that 20% of men had
some type of financial account that they kept secret from their bride. The study did not delve into the reasons for
keeping the account hidden, so I’d like to think these were funds stashed away
to pay for the flowers they occasionally bring home to their sweethearts or the
surprise weekend getaway for her birthday.
If only.
Let’s not let the women off the hook, either. One in eight newlywed women also admitted to
having a secret stash of money according to the same survey.
This may be perfectly understandable, though not desirable,
when we consider the place given money in our society and how couples
approach—or rather, fail to approach—the subject of money before they marry or
decide to live together.
Childhood experience and the lessons taught us by our
parents, whether those lessons were deliberately taught, accidentally taught,
or simply passed on by omission, will inevitably shape our approach to money in
our own marriage. Was the subject taboo
around your house growing up? Did money
represent power, prestige, security, or even identity for one or both
parents? These will influence the attitude
toward finances that we carry into adulthood.
But it may be hard to predict how
they will influence us. A parent may have
been such a miser and caused the family to go without meeting any wants that
the child learns that behavior as a negative one and does the opposite. Or a parent spends freely and teaches the
love of having good things—and the child embraces that and must have the best
and the finest and have it now when
he grows up.
Unfortunately, those attitudes become so entrenched that it
is hard to break them or to adapt them to the needs of a spouse who may harbor
a much different financial persona. I
suspect it is fear of having to alter the comfortable accommodation they have
developed with money that causes some men and women to hide a portion of their
money from their significant other or not be completely forthcoming about their
financial situation. They need something
saved for a rainy day, or to spend as they wish and not be accountable, or
simply to feel like they have complete control over some portion of the family
wealth.
Regardless of the reason, having secret accounts fits into a
pattern of cluelessness between spouses when it comes to their money
matters. The results of another survey
done by Fidelity Investments demonstrated 43% of married individuals could not
accurately say how much their spouse earned.
And 10%, when they did guess, were off the mark by more than
$25,000. Yet another survey found that
21% of married or co-habiting couples did not have even an approximation of their
mate’s retirement account balance.
It points to the sad reality that couples are not working
together toward their financial goals and may even be pulling in opposite
directions. It only contributes to the
phenomenon that financial planners are warning us about: people are not
planning for their retirement. Whether
out of fear of what the numbers will tell them or some other avoidance excuse,
they are stumbling into the unknown, and it will likely cause some marital discord
or even divorce and spell a very uncomfortable retirement. If a couple is not planning together for it,
they are likely to have very different visions of what retirement will or
should be.
Regardless of your stage in life, now is the time to improve
communication with your spouse and/or family.
You are in the boat together; you want to row in the same direction. Start talking, but with compassion and a
willingness to accept what has shaped the other’s attitudes toward money.
Until next time,
Roger
“Any kingdom divided
against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.”
Luke 11:17 NIV®*
Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
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