Does a Prenuptial Agreement Doom a Marriage?

 

I'm not one who fears that talking about something will “jinx” it, or make it more likely to happen.   Some folks will not prepare, or even talk about preparing, a will for fear that it will hasten their death.  I understand wanting to avoid unpleasant topics; but that can run afoul of the need to prepare for the future and (depending on your religious beliefs about death, rapture, or the Second Coming) the certainty of death. 

But that’s just one example.  How about divorce?  Talking about divorce—and divorce itself—were once taboo.  Now, with divorce sadly commonplace, it might make sense to openly discuss it and even prepare for it in the form of prenuptial agreements.

I have a strong reservation on my own part about having a prenuptial agreement.  That is likely because divorce has not hit close to home for me.  My parents did not divorce.  My children haven’t divorced.  My siblings haven’t divorced.  I’ve been married to the same woman for over 42 years.  With a family history like that (and I am EXTREMELY thankful for that history) I suppose it is natural to rebel against “preparing” for divorce by having a prenuptial contract.  And 42 years ago, having a prenuptial agreement was not common anyway—certainly in my economic stratum.

That said, I can make allowance for those who have experienced divorce either directly or indirectly who want a prenuptial before they “take the leap” again.  It’s scary.  One divorcee I know will not marry again unless there is a solid pre-nup in place to protect her financially.  (She is a high-earning professional.)  But are there limits?  Should there be limits?

A recent Wall Street Journal article highlighted the trend among millennials to use pre-nuptial agreements for some unusual purposes.  Perhaps burned indirectly by divorce like no other generation, they are crafting agreements with their spouse-to-be that address not only financial arrangements but nearly everything else, from care of pets to ownership of embryos. 

I’m not an expert on marital relationships, but I want to comment on a couple of the more unusual provisions inserted into some of these marriage contracts.

First is many millennials’ desire, as one family law attorney quoted in the article put it, “to live like financial roommates”.  In other words, these couples-to-be want to lead separate financial lives.  Separate checking accounts?  Yeah, I get it.  But to lead separate lives financially?  I DON’T get that.  Aside from our sexual selves, finances might be the most intimate part of our lives.  I’ve written before in this forum about not keeping money secrets from our spouse.  It’s a trust thing to me.  We should know what’s going on in each other’s financial lives.  We are there to help each other in tough times; and some of the toughest times are when we are financially strained.  If we’ve led separate financial lives, if we are not intimately connected to our lover in this area of life, is not the marriage bond weakened?  Vulnerability to each other—emotionally, sexually, and financially—is critical to cementing a marriage.

Second—and this is just beyond the pale to me—is the wish by some to ensure that an ex-partner does not bad-mouth them on social media.  Again, maybe because I don’t use Facebook or some of the more popular apps for online interaction and thus not been exposed to harassment that way, I might lack some empathy for those who want to write such provisions into their pre-nup.  But do we really want people to put a muzzle on others?  I consider it a violation of the marriage vows and probably federal law to post intimate pictures of an ex-spouse on the internet.   But what about publicly talking trash about their former spouse?  A decent person wouldn’t do that anyway, but formally forbidding it sounds like a violation of the First Amendment protecting free speech.  Almost always there is a blame-game played in a divorce; there will naturally be some bitterness, some finger-pointing.  We’re going to end that with a prenuptial agreement?  I doubt it.  Try to enforce that in a court of law.

So does composing a prenuptial agreement make divorce more likely?  I doubt it.  If the couple didn’t trust each other with money and aren’t decent enough to respect their partner or ex-partner in social interactions, they  are already half-way to divorce court anyway.

Until next time,

Roger

“Honor Christ and put others first.  A wife should put her husband first, as she does the Lord….Wives should always put their husbands first, as the church puts Christ first.  A husband should love his wife as much as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it….As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother to get married, and he becomes like one person with his wife.’”  Ephesians 5:21, 22, 25, 31 CEV.